The biopsy results came back, Leukemia. I didn't catch the details but the Oncologist says it's "chronic" and that nothing needed to be done immediately, no treatments. She said that my mom's heart would have to be further evaluated before anything could be started. While she was speaking I was texting my sister who was at work at the time. "Leukemia" was all I wrote. She freaked. I don't remember my first reaction but it was a calm shock, if that makes sense. I pretty much understood what the doc was saying and just nodded.

     You know, she had it down pat. I wonder how many people in an hour, day, week she said "cancer" to. Like it didn't even phase her, so routine. I wonder how many years she had to get it down to where it didn't get to her? I remember when I was first ill and had my first surgery, the permanent tube placement, and I was on the oncology floor 'cuz the gut floor was full. I remember my roommate was an elderly woman who just had surgery. The surgeon, followed by his posse of resident and med students, approached the bed and said calmly something like "we couldn't get it all, you'll have talk with your doctor about further treatment." Next was horrifying especially to a newby like me. She half screamed half cried as the surgeon walked away. I was scared to death(sorry) and remember how the doc calmly exited and left the poor lady alone, with me! Oh man, I was freaked! My grandpa had Leukemia and I took him to treatments all the time and it didn't bother me. But being in a bed myself with that lady, in the hospital, bothered me. I guess I was thinking it easily could've been me....And wow how could that surgeon be so cold and unfeeling. He dropped a bomb and just left. It took no longer than two minutes. He happened to be my surgeon also, but my surgery was routine without deadly results. I was so happy the day they transferred me to a regular floor.

      My mom took the news calmly, she was stone faced. Nothing seemed to phase her in life. When my stepdad died from cancer, he was at home. I got into the airport at midnight and he was gone by 5am. My mom said he was waiting for me to arrive before he let go. Anyway, I never saw her cry not even that morning. She is cold like that. Always has been and still is. I on the other hand cry easily. Anyway, talk about denial. The docs don't know what they're talking about and she needed to go to Mayo 'cuz they were so great. Yeah, until they confirm the diagnosis. Though I doubt she'd even budge if they did.

      My sis says she will realize her condition and reminded me of how I was when I was first sick. I "fired" docs for the first two years much to my main doc's dismay. I forgot about that. Yeah I was a "difficult" patient. I was young, just turned 31, and very, very angry. To the point of self-destruction....I wasn't very nice to anyone. So my sis was right, I was the same way and to let mom deal with it her way instead of accusing her of denial, just go along with it. Okay I guess I can go along with it 'cuz if I don't I'll stress out and that would negatively affect my own illness. I'm already shaky. I've developed the shakes since I've been down here?! BREATHE...!!!